When I decided to separate, I thought that I should never have married. I thought, finally, I was choosing the life I wanted.
Here is the well-made victim story that supported my decision.
In my mid-20s, one day my mother said to me, “you are not strong enough to live without getting married.” I was confused because she raised me to be a highly educated, independent woman.
But I believed her, and got married. With my husband’s new job assignment, I needed to quit the software engineering job that I planned to pursue for the rest of my life, and we moved to Texas with my one-year-old boy. I had no choice. My dependent visa didn’t allow me to work back then, so I became a stay-at-home mom.
My husband worked long hours and never was home. My son and I were left alone every national holiday in a foreign county (I can go on and on for the next 20 years…)
Here is another story that I discovered later on.
When I was in my late 20s, I met a guy at a party and fell in love with him. We got married within a year and had a beautiful baby a year later.
My husband’s new job assignment was in Texas. I’ve been wishing to live in the US ever since I was a college student. So I decided to take the opportunity to go with him by quitting my successfull career, although my salary was a lot more than his.
There were many challenges along the way, but my husband has loved me, trusted me and always got my back.
It doesn’t matter which story is more true. I am free to choose whichever I want.
Our story, narrative, is made up anyway, based on some facts.
Based on the victim story that I believed, I felt powerless. And with the new story, I am a powerful woman.
We all have some version of victim stories, from a day-to-day one to a life story like mine.
It’s easy to see others but not our own.
It’s easy to keep playing the victim by saying mine is real— please don’t!!
You are more powerful than you think.
The moment my client discovered how they’d been playing the victim, their world shifted. One of them called it clarity.
